Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
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I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*