Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
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soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.