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[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
I have a type: disappointing
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
im 7 sauces long
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?