My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
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wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
I…do not understand how electricity works.
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.