Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
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Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
can’t catch a break
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet