dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
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The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
What about second breakfast?
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order