Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
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There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”