I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
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Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.