if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
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AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.