me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
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Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*
My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES