You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
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A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
can’t talk my ride’s here
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.