I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
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Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
[at the candy shop with 50 Cent] what do you mean metaphor
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️