[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
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Nice try, poison.
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
Dolls on drugs
🤣🤣💀
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
Who chose this font
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
I can’t deal with men any longer
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it