I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
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So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
Put this video in the Louvre
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
Digital security in Ancient Troy
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag