Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
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can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.