Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
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BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
Europe. Made in Germany.
Not to be too edgy, but chocolate is now on average slightly too salty! It’s a nice change of pace, but not all candy needs to be seasoned like french fries!
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
handsome & gretel
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
Taliband
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.