Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
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Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
barbara was highly relatable
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend