“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
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my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
I enjoy a good short stor
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off