I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*
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You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.
I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person
I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
ACED my prostate exam!
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.