When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
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Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.