Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
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why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
beware of dog
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.