doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
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Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
My wife gives the best headache.
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head