Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
You Might Also Like
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
buying dead houseplants to save time
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
the last thing a carrot sees
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
Is….Is this an option?
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.