What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
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People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.