Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
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ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.