Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
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i have one speed and it’s mosey
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
📽️movie date🎞️
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
Ken is short for chicken
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
I remember when things only cost an arm.
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.