*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
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My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd