Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
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It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”