a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
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4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey