Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
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This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
Care for your back
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
Cardio Made Easy
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.