Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
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Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
dream blunt rotation
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.