Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
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Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
Smooooooth
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human