BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
You Might Also Like
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?
STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?