Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
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The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!