“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
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Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”
Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
The first matador
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*