ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
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*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
Doctor: You have 6 months to live
Me: omg what can I do?
Doctor: Oh lots of things
Me: Phew
Doctor: but only for 6 months
Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
From my Mom
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne JohnsonThe world finally knows what the Rock was cookin
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs