“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
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I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
My blood type is coffee.
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.