“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
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Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
My 13yo likes to remind me that he’s taller than me, and I like to remind him I’m the one who signs his permission slips to do the fun things at school.
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.