I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
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Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*