I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
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Folks ask me if I ever get tired of putting smiles on the faces of kids and their families in my job as a theme park mascot and my answer is always the same: God yes, are there any openings where you work?
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
Acting like you’re reaching to answer the reference desk phone while you’re actually trying to let the other librarian get to it first is an upper-level skill, they don’t teach you this stuff in library school
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?