I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
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Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.
Man, I wish they still made sticks.
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
Watermelon Boss!
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow