Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
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“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.