ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
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Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
real
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high