Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
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{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning