Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
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Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
i maintain uninterrupted eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me, as i slowly pull out a chimichanga from my coat pocket & begin eating it
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…