Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
You Might Also Like
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
yeah 😭
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”