A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
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“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself