Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
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Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it
Obama: Joe!
Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
Ok, but like, how married are you?
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
If I ignore life will it go away?
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.