Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
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[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.
So the weekend is off to a great start.
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:
•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
Growing up was a huge mistake
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.