news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
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[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
*cancelling plans* ugh sorry i’d love to come but im actually uhhhh in the running for vice president
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
What’s a random act of kindness you’ve done for a stranger recently? I helped a bunch of teens buy alcohol and cigarettes the other day
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.